My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
