She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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