gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
