Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
