Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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