I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
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despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize