Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
