I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
