i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish life had little blips of pornography
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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