There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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