Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
