just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
