I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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