Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
