I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
