she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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