Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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