ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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