i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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