Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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