There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
