o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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