I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
