I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
