allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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