found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
