hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
