Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
