The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
