he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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