Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
