I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
ttyl tear gas
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
