FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
