yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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