hotel room ftw
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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