You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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