So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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