We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
