Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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