oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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