I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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