i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
