god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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