ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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