My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
