Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
