you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
