i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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