Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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