at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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