saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
