it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
