I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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