I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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