onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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