I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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